I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
