hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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