Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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