I heard we made out
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My penis needs a shock collar
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
