i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
