Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
