the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
