i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
