i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
