I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
