If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
