i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
