after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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