Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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