also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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