dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize