I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
