Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
