I hate all girls vehemently.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
