Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
