His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
