he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
