i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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