i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
