that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
