I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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