i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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