He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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