I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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