and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
