I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
