you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
