Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
