I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
