fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
