My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
