You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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