come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
