I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
