two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
