I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
