She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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