I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
