Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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