tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize