how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My ass is underappreciated
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
