Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
