dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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