she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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