you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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