Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
