Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
