right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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