Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
