I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
