just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
