I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
