i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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