Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
