you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
