One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize